June 3, 2015

Help! I’m Being Held Prisoner!!!

For the past nine days I’ve been held prisoner in my house by the 84-year-old man pictured here, a ruthless slave-driver and sadist. Each day he holds a racket to my head in a threatening manner and forces me to sit at my desk from 5AM to 2:30PM, coercing me into changing historical photos and designing the pages for some 1988-89 historical book that’s mostly a constant repetition of the words Boggan, Seemiller, Butler, O’Neill, Onifade, Teekaveeraki, Gee, and Bhushan. It must be some kind of code; I have no idea what these words mean. He assures me we’ll finish this weekend, but I don’t trust him.

At 2:30, he takes custody of my computer, with links to all my accounts, and threatens to use his extensive computer knowledge to delete all my books at Amazon. And then I am forced to go to a local table tennis club and play ping-pong with the cohorts of this man, hour after hour, day after day, with no respite. They keep calling me “coach,” but I think that’s code for “You are our prisoner and will do as you are told.”

Strangely, many of his henchman appear to be children, many of them Chinese, and they are all armed with ping-pong paddles. They seem to know how to use them; I am very afraid. I believe that they became this person’s partner in crime when he visited China back in 1971 – he is so arrogant that he even wrote about his experiences there, in a book and in Time Magazine, practically daring the U.S. State Department to come after him – but after meeting him, they too are afraid of him

At night he stuffs ping-pong balls in my mouth and won’t take them out until I’ve finished typing a daily table tennis blog, which he dictates to me. It’s a silly thing that nobody would take seriously, but it has my name on it, so all those who read it think I wrote it. What do I know about table tennis? I’m a concert pianist, for crying out loud!!! (Here’s a video of two of his armed female cronies forcing me to perform.)

I am forced to live on a diet of expensive steaks, baked potatoes, and Coca-Cola at the Outback he drags me to. He often forces me to eat Rocky Road ice cream at Haagen Dazs afterwards. When I explained that I was on a diet, this is what he said. I am not allowed to watch TV, read, or any other pleasures in life as I am forced to obey the whims of this horrible monster during all my waking hours. The days are long, the nights are short, and I am in a constant state of physical and mental exhaustion. I cannot hold on much longer.

If this horrible tyrant asks me to fix up one more dimly-lit, out-of-focus picture scanned from an old, crumbling newspaper, I believe I will be forced to . . . fix up the photo as requested, as I am in mortal terror of the hulk-like strength and green rage of this old man.

My only hope is that I am able to smuggle this message out, and some decent person will take mercy on me, and free me from this living purgatory by challenging my horrible master to a ping-pong duel and beat him. If you believe you have what it takes to be my savior, all I can tell you is that he’s a shakehander with short pips on both sides, with a good backhand block and a unique forehand “no-look” smash that never misses, and likes to serve fast and deep over and over with a one-inch toss. I do not believe he is beatable, though Stockholm Syndrome may be affecting my thinking about this wonderful human being who has taken over and given purpose to my life.

Oh, and Tim is threatening politely asking me to add this addendum: “Amazing how unconsciously inspirational I can be!”

New Adult Training Program

This past weekend I started a new adult training program. It’s every Sunday, 6:30-8:00 PM, for adults only. (Technically, I will allow players as young as 13 to join in, but only if they are serious.) Here is more info (second item). We had eleven players in our first session, ranging in age from roughly 20 to 60. I put them through a series of drills, mostly involving footwork. It’s for all levels, though I’ll generally try to pair players with others at about the same level. Assisting as both a coach and practice partner is Raghu Nadmichettu, a 2400 player and part-time MDTTC coach. Hope to see some of you there!

Want to help USA Table Tennis and its National Teams? 

Here’s the new webpage, FriendWithPaddles.org, including a link to video.  From the page:

USA Table Tennis has created the Friends with Paddles campaign so that every fan can contribute to the success of the national team at all levels. The money you donate will make it possible for national team members to have access to the level of coaches and facilities necessary to compete at the international level. 

You may donate at any gift level you choose to receive the respective thank you gift from USATT, or you may choose to make a flat donation. It’s up to you! Thank you for being our Friend with a Paddle, and for contributing to the continued success of USA Table Tennis and its national teams!

Ask the Coach with PingSkills

Episode #134 (21:22) – Should I change my racket? (and other topics).

Ask the Coach with Richard Prause – Part 14

Here’s the video (2:44) - Doubles Practice.

2015 U.S. Open Men’s Champion vs. USATT CEO

Here’s the video (17 sec) of Tao Wenzheng and Gordon Kaye – who would win? With the U.S. Open coming up in Las Vegas, you can legally place your best – current odds are roughly the number of grains of sand on the planet to one. A little research and some basic math tells me that if you bet a penny on Gordon and he wins, you’ll receive about 75 quadrillion dollars ($75,000,000,000,000). Put me down for a dime! (Gordon can play - he has a 1563 rating, only 1152 points behind Tao's 2715.)

U.S. Open Entries

They just broke 900, and more are coming in. You can see the entries here – alphabetically, by rating, by state, by club, or by event.

2015 U.S. Open to Be Best Yet!

Here’s the USATT article.

USATT Athletes of the Month

Here’s the article – they are Jim Butler, Angela Guan, and Pam Fontaine & Cynthia Ranii.

11 Questions with Scott Preiss

Here’s the USATT interview with the professional table tennis showman.

Rachel Sung and Nikhil Kumar Qualify for ITTF World Hopes Week and Challenge

Here’s the USATT article.

Polish Pro’s Table Tennis Lessons Give Club Popularity Bounce

Here’s the article from the San Antonio Express-News on Coach Milosz Przybylik. (You may have to set up an account to read this article.)

39 Seconds of Ma Long Multiball

Here’s the video – it should wake you up!

More Mike Mezyan Pictures

NOTE - If you are unable to see these pictures, all you have to do is join the Table Tennis Group - it's easy! Here are all the past, present, and (soon) future pictures he's collected. (I pick out his best ones for here - he has more.)

• Paddle in Pants Pong – do we call it panthands or panthold?
• Crazy Yoga Pong – Twister on a table?
• Net Pong – and when it hatches you’ll have your very own table tennis player.
• Baby Pong – silly baby doesn’t realize you legally have to have a free hand.
• Street Pong – for those who wish to live short but exciting lives.
• Dessert Pong -DO NOT click on this on an empty stomach.
• Frying Pan Pong – of course, this is what the sore loser does to the winner.

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