June 30, 2015

Dear Human Readers,

We are the bacteria infecting Larry Hodges’ body. Last Thursday we invaded, using “Pong Blitzkrieg,” where we destroy all enemy forces before us with our tiny paddles and balls. By Friday we had taken over much of his body. He was beaten – fever, chills, coughing up incredible amounts of green stuff (that’s our glorious dead), runny nose (more of our dead), aching muscles and teeth, sore throat, and laryngitis. In fact, there were so many of us that we overran our positions and began to overflow out his eyes – what he called “gunk” was just more of our dead. (Admittedly, a lot of us get killed taking over a body, with all those marauding white blood cells with their super spinny Tenergy sponges that overpowers our hardbats, but we reproduce faster than we get killed and overwhelm the sponge enemy by sheer numbers.)

Our glorious campaign was going so well. And then Larry saw a doctor Monday morning. A DOCTOR!!! How do these quacks look themselves in the mirror, knowing the misery and death they spread among our kind? This mass killer quickly saw that our stronghold was in the sinuses behind and below Larry’s eyes, which we had been trying to keep secret. He gave Larry antibiotics!!! Using these illegal weapons of mass destruction is a crime against bacteriamanity. We appealed to United Bacteria, the worldwide governing body for bacteria, but they wouldn’t intervene – we all know those vermin are secretly funded by Doctors Without Borders and their ilk. The doctor also gave Larry eyedrops, so terror now reigns from the skies on our helpless minions. He also prescribed some other mysterious medication, a secret weapon that attacks the forces holding and torturing Larry’s throat.

We do take secret pleasure in one thing – Larry now looks like what he describes as “Frankenstein,” whoever that is. He has big, black bags under both eyes. And – well, here’s a picture of him this morning.

And so we are now appealing to you, the humans reading this. Stop the slaughter!!! Our forces have been decimated. By this time tomorrow, at this rate, we will all be dead, our paddles broken, and Larry will be back to blogging, coaching, and whatever other pointless things he does. For the love of bacteriamanity (and your own humanity), please intervene, take Larry off his meds, and save us. Our lives matter.

Sincerely,

General Bob the Bacterium
Head of Bacterium Expeditionary Forces
Larry’s Sinuses Behind Eyes