April 24, 2023 - Dumb Ways to Lose
There's a famous song, "Dumb Ways to Die," that one of our top juniors use to play endlessly as a fun way to relax, often before a big match. (Years later and I still can’t get it out of my head.) Maybe someone should do a song, "Dumb Ways to Lose"? Over the years I have seen so many players find dumb ways to lose that I've concluded that losing was, in fact, their goal. If your goal is to lose, I am here to help! And so, here it is . . . "Dumb Ways to Lose," i.e. Larry's Guide to Losing.
- Spend the week before the tournament on your sofa watching TV, eating potato chips, and drinking soda or beer. Do the same the week afterwards to console yourself.
- Use old, worn-out sponge and playing shoes.
- Show up at the last minute so there's no time to warm up. Warming up is for sissies.
- Eat a big meal just before your big match.
- Always figure out the right tactics to beat your opponent after it's too late.
- Actually, why worry about tactics at all? Who needs to think? It's not like you're playing chess or something. Just play and if you play better, you'll win, right?
- Try to be highly emotional, with a full panorama of negative emotions: Anger, Disgust, Sadness, and for the emotionally talented, Complete Hopelessness. Practice these emotions on your friends while you still have them.
- Just before your most important match of the tournament, discuss politics or religion with someone, or just watch the news.
- When you miss an easy shot, that's all you should think about for the rest of the match. I mean, seriously, you should have made that shot, right? It was so easy! Keep telling yourself that.
- Constantly think about your opponent's rating, how many rating points you are risking, and the score. These things are important!!!
